Surviving the First Fight

First fights are scary things. When conflict arises in a once friction free relationship it always gives way to uncertainty. But the first fight can actually be a positive thing; a defining moment in a relationship that actually makes things more solid.

Falling In Love

In the early days of falling for each other everything is always rosy. People are on their best behavior. While still immersed in the getting-to-know you stage people tend to bend their expectations to the absolute limit of their tolerances and are more forgiving of the things that may later bother them.
Once a comfort level has been reached and there is some security in the relationship that tolerance level shifts back toward an individual’s real life base line. This is what breeds the first fight.

When the Relationship Settles

Once a relationship becomes more established people start showing their true personality. The best behavior honeymoon stage comes to an end, often abruptly and without warning. The sudden shift from best behavior to normal behavior can be a bit of a shock. The first fight usually happens when boundaries are put to the test. In the early days when something unsettling happens both people try to handle things as calmly and diplomatically as possible. Hurt feelings are sucked up and nothing is said.
Once the relationship is more established when those same unsettling things happen the person who is bothered speaks up. With the rules suddenly changed the person on the receiving end of the upset feels confused and defensive. This leads to the first fight.

First Fight: The End or a New Beginning?

It is true that the first fight is the end for some couples but it doesn’t have to be. While first fights are never fun they are actually essential to the evolution of a relationship.
Nobody, no matter how close or how compatible they may be, agrees on absolutely everything. There will be conflict in even the best most successful relationships. What determines the quality of the relationship isn’t whether or not fights happen but how those fights are played out and resolved.
Couples who listen to one another's concerns and perspectives, who respect the other’s point of view whether they agree with it or not, and who work toward finding a compromise, are most likely to make it through the first fight stronger for the experience.

Always Fight Fair

How you fight is as important, if not more important, than why you fight. Violence of any kind is never healthy and should not ever be excused. Hitting, kicking, throwing things and other physical manifestations of anger are unhealthy ways to communicate upset. They accomplish nothing and always do more harm than good. Same goes for name calling or playing the blame-game. Even if somebody is clearly in the wrong it doesn’t need to be harped on. Mentioning a past issue once or twice can lead to resolution but bringing it up over and over can only bring out defensiveness.
One exception is when the person who has done wrong won’t own up to what they have done and apologize, or when they keep doing the same thing over and over. In that case the issue moves beyond bringing up old problems and becomes a question of why the past keeps rising to the surface.

Surviving the First Fight

In order to survive the first fight a couple must be willing to really examine why the fight happened and both people must be ready to make a compromise. The compromise won’t always be equal, one person may have to give more, but compromise not conquest should be the ultimate goal of any conflict. When deciding who should bend there are three important things to ask as a couple; who if anybody was in the wrong, who will be hurt most by having to make a change, and if the change being asked is reasonable and possible.
In the case of clear right and wrong, such as cheating or lying, the person who has done the wrong must be prepared to give up the most in repairing the damage. But rarely are fights started over issues of clear right and wrong. More often than not it is a difference of opinion or a variation in needs that causes couples to fight.

Handling Touchy Situations

Where the issue of right or wrong is not clear, which is usually the case, the question then becomes one of compromise. Just how much compromise or sacrifice should one person make for another? For example, if a girlfriend is very sensitive to friendships with ex-girlfriends the boyfriend needs to ask himself if making her uncomfortable and insecure is worth maintaining those friendships.
If a guy feels those friendships are important enough to be maintained even if it bothers his girlfriend he needs to do everything he can do make his girlfriend comfortable. He can never be secretive about what he does or says to the ex and ideally should bring the girls together.
If a guy feels that it’s not worth damaging a relationship to maintain ties to an ex then the friendship should be put on the back burner.
Whatever issues arise and whatever compromises are made it is essential that the primary relationship always be put first.

How First Fights Make Relationships Stronger

First fights define relationships. They reaffirm the couple’s commitment to one another and if they are worked through properly they can make a relationship stronger. While it is always scary to fight for the first time it is important to acknowledge that fights are normal and that they happen in every close relationship. Why you fight is important but it is how you fight that determines whether or not the conflict will strengthen your bond or stretch it to the limit. Break ups are not the inevitable outcome of the first fight although fearing it will lead to a break up is normal.
If a first fight leads to a break up it simply means the foundation of the relationship was not very strong. For good relationships the first fight will solidify things. By wanting to work through conflict rather than run away couples show each other that they are there for a long time, not just for a good time. This realization is an important one.
First fights don’t have to be negative. They are a sign that your relationship is moving to a new, more intimate and more committed level. Isn’t that a good thing?

Can you become friends after the break-up?

Question: Can you become friends after the break-up?

Answer: Yes and no. Sure we all know couples who are tighter after they split up but this is a rare situation and I personally think that these types of friendships still harbor unresolved issues from the relationship that make it so that neither party is ready or able to fully move on. While being openly hostile to an ex also demonstrates unresolved issues/feelings and an inability to move forward, being buddy-buddy with a former flame is not as mature and civilized as it may seem on the surface. That said it is more than possible, and the most desirable thing, if you and an ex can reach a place of peaceful co-existence and mutual respect. Being at the same party and having fun with and without each other = good. Showing up at a party together, hanging out together al night and only having fun because you are together = bad. See the difference? It is normal to be friendly, even friends, but it is not normal to be as together as you were when coupled only no longer officially be a couple. In befriending an ex there are a few things you must accept; it is going to take time, it won’t be easy, there will be conflicts in the friendship that arise because you were once more than friends, you can’t and shouldn’t want to be best friends, at some point you or your ex will feel uncomfortable when there is a new romance in the air for one or both of you, a too close friendship with an ex will likely cause problems in your next relationship, and that you broke up as a couple for good reasons, reasons that may still come up as issues in a friendship. If you can let go entirely of this person as an ex, and think of them only as a friend then you may be able to build something new together, but if you still see them as “your ex” this will always taint the friendship. How will you know if you’ve reached that magical point of really being “just friends?” Simple, when somebody asks you about your ex your answer will NOT being with the words “My ex…” but instead will begin with the words “My friend…”. If your first knee-jerk response to any inquiry about your ex has you thinking the way you would about any of your other friends than you have reached that magical point of truly and honestly befriending an ex. Good for you!

12 signs that your crush may be the one.

Like leprechauns and unicorns the search for true love can seem like a fantasy that will never come true, but rest assured, you will find "the one" one day. In fact, as you head down the path of life you are likely to find a few "the ones", that is you are likely to fall in love more than once. How can you tell the difference between love-right-now and the-right-and-true-love? You can't really. Each and every time you fall in love it will feel like the real and final deal and it will be true. Every relationship will have something important to offer you and none, no matter how painfully they may end, will be a waste of your time. Each relationship will teach you a valuable lesson about yourself, your capacity to love, and what you are looking for (and not looking for) in a partner. So how can you tell if the person you are with is worthy of your "true love"? How can you know when a crush has moved beyond lust and in to the realm of love? Here are some sure fire signs that your affair of the heart has reached true love status:

1. You can't help but smile when you see her/him and s/he is always smiling back.
2. You feel comfortable and secure in the relationship and really trust your partner not to hurt you; ie, there is no need for jealousy or suspicion.
3. There have been good times and bad times and through, or in spite of, them all you have remained together.
4. There are no major dramas in the relationship; ie, you do not test one anothers love, engage in relationship foiling gossip or feel the need to play games.
5. You each do kind and thoughtful things for the other "just because" and doing them makes both people feel good.
6. Outside pressures are few and far between; there are none or only minor issues with peers, friends, family and teachers.
7. There is no violence in the relationship at all -- NONE!
8. You enhance one another, neither one of you presses the other to do things that may lead to harm or that the other is opposed to doing.
9. The things that make you different do not push you apart; ie, different religions, cultural backgrounds or personal beliefs.
10. There is no sacrifice, only compromise.
11. Sex or no sex: it doesn't matter, either way it isn't an issue and nobody has been pressured to do something they weren't ready to do.
12. You know that everything you feel is returned in kind by your partner.

Remember, the idea of one true love is romantic but unrealistic. Open your heart to the idea of loving more than one person in your life, think of these relationships as test runs for the final true love, the person you end up spending your life with, and live in the moment. If you get tunnel vision and become obsessed with finding the mystical and magical "one" s/he may just pass you by.

3 Things That Only Feel Like Love

Love is a tricky emotion. There are some things that feel like love but they are much too superficial to be the real thing. Real love takes time and doesn't happen over night. Here are three things that people often confuse for love.

Lust

Lust is the feeling that is often mistaken for love at first sight. Lust is an intense and sudden attraction to somebody you hardly know. It is mistaken for love because the attraction is so strong. Lust can feel like love because the feelings of attraction are strong and all-consuming. The emotions stirred up by lust can feel very real but they are based on a fantasy. To love somebody you must know them well but many people fall in lust while they are still strangers. What people in lust fall for is a fantasy of what might be and reality can get lost in the excitement.
Overwhelmed by physical attraction people in lust can't keep their hands off of each other. They think about each other constantly and talk about one another all the time. Lust is a happy feeling brought on by passionate attraction. If you are inexperienced in matters of the heart it is very easy to mistake all that passion for love.
Lust differs from love like night differs from day. Lust happens in the early phase of a relationship when people don’t yet know each other. Lust is based on a fantasy, and the fantasy and reality don’t always mesh up. This is where lust runs out of steam.
Although physical attraction is definitely a key ingredient in any romantic relationship, love is more than just a physical longing. If a relationship is all about physical attraction it is based on lust. Really loving another person takes time and it can't be based on physical attraction alone.

Obsession

Obsessions are often mistaken for love because people rationalize the crazy feelings they are having. They assume that it must be love if the other person is always on their mind. Obsession is similar to lust but it is much more misleading and destructive. While lust is often fleeting, fading as two people come to know each other better, obsession sticks around. The more time and effort invested in an unhealthy obsession the more intense the obsession can become. People in an obsessed state have a one track mind where the other person is concerned and they often lose touch with who they are as an individual. This loss of individuality creates a vicious circle of behavior where the obsessed person grows more and more dependant on the other person to bolster their sense of self.
Even unrequited love, love that is not returned, can become an overwhelming obsession. When one person believes they are in a relationship that doesn't really exist, or when one person is more invested in an existing relationship than the other, the foundation for an obsession has been laid.
Real love is nurturing and helps people grow but obsession is debilitating. If you feel like you have lost yourself, if you are always striving to please your partner without them doing the same for you, and if you find yourself making all decisions in your life based on the feelings and needs of the other person you could be dealing with obsession.

Rebounding

A rebound is a relationship that starts up very quickly after another relationship has ended. Rebounds are rarely based on love but are really a way of alleviating the loneliness people feel when a relationship ends. Rebounding can feel like love for the simple reason that the people involved want to be in love. They are used to the security of being in love and more than anything else they want to feel that security again. They convince themselves that they are in love when they are actually missing the safety and comfort of the relationship they left behind.
If an old relationship keeps interfering with the progress of a new relationship it could mean that the relationship is a rebound. When somebody is on the rebound they are not entirely over their previous relationship. They may still be trying to work out unresolved issues from that relationship. Rebound relationships may feel like love but they are still impacted by unsettled feelings from the past.

Am I in Love?

It is a very common question, "How can I tell I'm in love?", but it is not an easy question to answer. What feels like love to one person may be nothing more than attraction to another. Some people fall in and out of love quickly and often while others are never really in love as much as they are in lust. This can get confusing when you are a teen because romantic love is a relatively new concept for you and you don't know what to expect. You are overwhelmed with all sorts of new feelings and social pressures. They are confusing. What is love? What makes you want a romantic relationship with one person and not another? How does your heart choose a partner? Why does love end? These questions can't be easily answered.

One of the most confusing quasi-love feelings is lust. Lust is a very powerful, very intense feeling of physical attraction toward another person. Lust is mainly sexual in nature - the attraction is superficial based on instant chemistry rather than genuine caring. Usually we lust after people we do not know well, people we still feel comfortable fantasizing about. It is very common for people to confuse lust for love. But why? What is it about lust and love that make them so easy to mix up? If lust is all about sex, how can a relationship without sex be about lust? Teens struggle with this because they see lust in the Biblical sense, but lust isn't that sinister. Lust is about physical attraction and acting ONLY on physical attraction. Love is about much more than that. Yet many teens (and to be fair, many adults) confuse an intense attraction for some sort if divine love. For teens, since feelings of attraction are still new and since pop-culture sells sex and love as one package, it is very easy to get the two mixed up.

Lust is clearly not love. Love is based on more than just physical attraction. Sure, attraction is a factor, but love goes deeper than that. Love is based on caring, friendship, commitment and trust. When you are in love it is as if you have your best most trusted friend at your side AND you feel physically attracted to them. It is the best of both worlds! Love is a shared feeling between two people who have a vested interest in one anothers happiness. Love is not about jealousy. It is not about conflict. It is not about testing. Love is a positive feeling. If it is tainted by mistrust, jealousy, insecurity or spitefulness it is not really love but merely a pale copy. Love is the total surrender of your heart to another person with the security of knowing they will treat it better than you will. Love should feel good. It should not feel bad. Love should make you want to be a better person, it should not lead you to do something self destructive. Love is not demanding of your spirit but lifts it and makes it glow. Love is a good thing. Anything less is lust, deep friendship or attraction. So the sappiness aside, the question remains, how can you tell you are in love?
There is no easy way to find the truth behind your feelings or the feelings of another person but there are some tell-tale signs that love is blooming (or growing deeper). If you agree with 7 of the following 9 statements you are probably in love.

1. You know, because you have been told by your significant other, that your deep feelings are returned in kind.
2. The object of your affections makes you feel special and good about yourself.
3. If/when you feel jealous it is always fleeting; you trust your partner not to betray you or hurt your relationship.
4. Nothing makes you feel as serene as when you and your partner are together.
5. When you fight with your partner you usually make up within a few hours and you always agree that nothing is more important than you both being able to express your true feelings (even if they sometimes cause conflict).
6. Your partner never asks you to choose between him/her and your loyalties to your family and friends - if you do choose him/her over them you always have a good reason and it is always YOUR decision, and your decision alone.
7. Neither you or your partner feel the need to test the other's loyalties or feelings.
8. You are more yourself when with your partner than you are with anybody else.
9. If sex is part of your relationship it is by mutual desire and agreement without the slightest hint of commitment testing or persuasion.

5 Things Your Boyfriend Won't Tell You

1. We like being “the boyfriend.”
   Girls often think that guys are players-at-heart who love the single life and only settle down because society tells them that they have to, but nothing could be further from the truth. Sure there are some guys who get a serious case of the GIGS (Grass Is Greener Syndrome) every time they make a commitment to a girl but these guys are the exception not the rule. We other guys have a word to describe our flakey won’t settle down counterparts – immature. For the most part guys love being in love just as much as girls do.
2. We don’t like when you pull away from us.
   Guys are competitive beasts so you’d think that the hard to get game would make us give chase, and in the beginning stages of a relationship it does, but once we’ve settled in and made a commitment to you we want the chase to stop. If you keep it up, if you keep pushing us away with your right hand while pulling us closer with your left, you’ll quickly find that we start pulling away altogether. Once we open our hearts the game totally changes for us. We don’t want to chase you forever so when you pull away from us, we pull away from you in what amounts to a psychological tug-o-war. The more you pull away the more we respond in kind. Keep it up and everyone just gets tired and calls it quits. So once you’ve landed your guy don’t keep playing hard to get, instead let him know that you’re happy you were caught.
3. We want our friends to like you… but not love you.
   In guy world the approval of our friends is very important so it makes sense that we want our friends to like you. But what we don’t want is for them to covet you. When we hook up with a very hot girl and our buddies ogle her it is a real turn off. This is why so many really pretty girls find themselves single. We just can’t handle the thought of losing you to one of our friends because if that happens we lose our girl, one of our boys and a big chunk of our egos. So if our friends like you and think you're cool that’s great but if they wish they could have you that’s bad. Unfortunately this is totally out of your control. Rest assured that as guys get older we get more secure and this one matters less but in the meantime know this - if you’ve ever been dumped by a guy who you thought really liked you shortly after meeting his friends take comfort in the fact that you were probably just too hot for him to handle.
4. We want you to like, but not love, our friends.
   This one goes along with the other one for obvious reasons but there is a little more to it. Obviously we don’t want you ditching us to be with one of our buddies but we also don’t want you to work overtime trying to win our friends over. Sometimes no matter how great you are our friends will only act luke-warm toward you. This is most likely not your fault and usually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them but as long as our friends and you can hang out without incident the boyfriend in us is happy. We don’t want you to go out of your way to get our friends to like you because we want your energy focused on us and only us. We don’t want you to care what other guys think about you. We want your efforts and attentions to rest firmly on us. Is that immature? Probably. But hey, we’re guys!
5. We worry that YOU will dump US.
   If there is one thing I see over and over in the girl magazines it’s question after question about how to keep a guy interested but that’s not really very hard. When we like you, we like you and that’s all there is to it. In reality we probably spend more time worrying that you’ll dump us than we would ever spend thinking about dumping you. So relax and stop fixating on how or when our relationship will end and just be our girlfriend. That’s all it really takes to keep a guy happy.

5 Things Your Girlfriend Won't Tell You

 
1. We like the chase – you chasing us.
Yep, it’s sad but true that when a guy is too eager to catch us we wonder why. What is wrong with this guy? Why is he so clingy? Is he a control freak? Is he a serial dater? A player with many girlfriends on the go? Is he insane? It’s not that we don’t want to be caught, we do, we just don’t want to feel trapped and when things happen too fast trapped is how we feel. We need to be sure of our feelings and of our attraction before we can step off the racetrack and give up the chase. You need to woo us to make us yours. Some guys lay out traps, saying all the right things and meaning none of them, in an attempt to woo us and this gives way to our biggest fear; falling prey to an insincere guy who is more about the game than being in a relationship. For this reason even once we’re yours, even once we are sure of your feelings and you are sure of ours, we need to still feel a little bit of the chase. When you chase us we feel like you want us and are willing to do some work to be with us and we don’t want that feeling to go away just because you’ve caught us.
 
2. When we say we’re “OK” or that things are “fine” the opposite is probably true. Girls are communicators. It is hardwired in to our psyches to talk and talk and talk some more whenever there is discord or conflict. So if you sense there’s a problem and gather the courage to ask us and we respond with a “fine” or “it’s ok” or some other sentence with less than 7 (short) words chances are good that we really want to talk. So, you think, what’s a guy to do? You ask a question, you get an answer, and you plan based on that answer. Who wants to read between the lines or guess what is really going on? What a waste of time, right? Wrong! When girls pull the short answers out during a conversation it is because we want you to put the effort in to getting us to open up. It comes from a place of feeling like you don’t usually care what we have to say so we want you to put some effort in to getting us to talk so we can be sure we will be listened to. Now those perceptive guys among you may have your hands up right now waiting to ask the obvious question… if a girl feels like she’s not usually heard isn’t that the REAL problem? Yes, yes it is, and one little talk won’t stop that feeling of being marginalized. In psychology we call this a learned response, a behavior that does not come naturally but rather has been developed through a process called social conditioning. You may very well be the most attentive boyfriend since the dawn of time but if her previous guys made her feel insignificant or unheard you’ll have to help her carry that baggage. Heck, you’ll have to help her unpack it and put it away! So when your girl replies with a curt little answer to your questions don’t take her at face value. Calmly and gently ask her a few more times. Once she feels like you will hear her nature will take over and, voila! You’ll be communicating.

3. We want you to have your guy time.
It is such a myth that girls don’t like to let their guy just hang with the boys. It's a terrible lie perpetrated by relationship-phobes throughout the ages. It is totally untrue that we want you to give up your life to be with us. Think of it this way… when we met you and fell for you, you were (hopefully) single and your friends were a big part of your life. Take your friends away and a big piece of the guy we fell for goes with them. So we want you to keep your guy time. We know you need your friends and truth be told we need our friends too. That being said, obviously when you are single you have lots of spare time to spend with friends but when you are in a relationship some of that time is going to be taken up by your significant other (A.K.A. us). That is only normal. It is normal for you to need your guy time and it is normal for you to want to spend time with us. If you find the right balance the guy-time issue quickly becomes a non-issue. It is when we feel like you don’t make as much time for us as you do for them or that you resent being away from your friends when you are with us that the stereotypical “girlfriend verses the friends” scenario takes the stage. It’s all about balance. Spending time with your friends or with us will never be an issue as long as there is a balance and as long as we never feel that they mean more to you than we do or that they come always first.

 
4. We want to know your friends but aren’t so sure you need to know ours.
I’m not going to lie; this is hypocrisy in its most raw form. We want you to bring us around your friends, we want to know them and we want them to like us, but we aren’t quite as crazy about you knowing our friends. The why of this is as simple as it is irrational and here it is… we want to know your boys so we can understand the kinds of things they may get you to do when we’re not around. In short, will they encourage you to cheat on us, will they get you doing reckless and dangerous things, and will they help you engage in self-destructive activities? What we want to know is if they will be good or bad influences on you. We also want to create a buffer; we want your friends to like us so that they won’t want you to lose us. If there is no tension between your friends and us then we don’t need to fear them asking you to choose between love and friendship. Now on the flip side, we don’t really want you getting all chummy with our friends because we don’t want them to fill you in on all of our dirty little secrets. As previously noted girls are talkers by nature and we don’t want them to let something slip that may make you raise an eyebrow in our direction. We also fear, but will never admit fearing, you wanting one of our friends more than you want us. It’s bad enough to lose your guy to another girl but when that girl was once a friend, well, the sting is even sharper. So allow us this hypocrisy. It’s irrational, that's true, but it’s also quite harmless.
 
5. We worry that other girls look better now that you are in a relationship.
Mike nailed the core of every girlfriend's relationship insecurity on the head when he brought up the GIGS (Grass Is Greener Syndrome). The idea that life is better on the other side is one of the most destructive forces in relationship world and girls feel that guys fall for it way too often. It is a great fear of ours that once you can’t have other girls you will suddenly want them all. It leads to a lot of unfounded jealousy brought on by innocent comments on your part or casual non-flirtatious conversations with other girls. So what’s a guy to do? In a perfect world you’d stop interacting with other girls altogether but our rational super-ego knows that’s not realistic. What you need to do is follow these three simple rules; 1) never pay more attention to another girl than you do to your girlfriend, 2) never comment over and over how hot/cool/nice/fun another girl is, and 3) if you meet a great girl while you’re in a relationship hook her up with one of your buddies (also known as taking her off the market and getting her out of our face). And should you ever really get the itch to jump the fence and live life on the other side... just do it! Don’t lead us on, don’t cheat on us, don’t sneak around, just end the relationship. If it ends up being a GIGS fueled mistake… oh well, consider it a hard lesson learned and leave us alone... we won't want you back anyway!

Advice for a Long Distance Relationship

The first thing a person should do in any relationship is to throw out the old cliché of “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” because love should mean wanting to say you're sorry. If your loved one is hurt, even if they are at fault, apologizing for your part in the fight can get you a lot farther then blaming. Honey does catch more flies than vinegar.

If you honestly feel that you are completely in the right you can still say that you are sorry for the reactions you and your mate had towards the situation. No matter what, I am sure that upsetting him or her was the last thing that you wanted to do. This does not mean to minimize your feelings in anyway only to take the focus off “who’s to blame” and put it where it belongs- on the problem at hand. Once the other person is off the defensive, it makes the issue something that you’re facing together instead of at odds. By doing this it will help the two of you to remember that you are both on the same side, with the same ultimate goal in mind- mutual happiness.

This moves us on to another old cliché that I absolutely despise- “Always fight fair”. When it comes to relationships, your main objective should be to not fight. I am not talking about a perfect fairytale where you never disagree with your significant other because fights will happen, even in the most secure of couples. I just do not understand why people prepare for a fight like they would a political debate or, worse yet, like they are going into combat. So, choose your words carefully and plan ahead of time how you can be considerate of your partner’s views, do not dismiss them.

The key to any relationship is honesty. If something is really bothering you, then by all means, say so. Before opening your mouth, ask yourself if what you’re about to say is truly what’s wrong. Make sure that you are not just turning your loneliness into something else. The biggest mistake that people make in a long distance relationship is to channel their feelings of longing for one another into a trivial matter, then end up fighting.

If the main complaint is being apart from your loved one, then tell him or her how you feel. It takes a strong independent person to have a long distance relationship and it also takes a lot of strength to admit that it is not enough anymore. If you and your partner are constantly fighting, it may be time re-evaluate and re-structure the relationship. It may only take a few more phone calls or chat sessions during the week to improve things between the two of you immensely. Maybe, using some saved up vacation time is in order. Both of you taking time off is preferable so you can renew your love. But if only one of you can skip work, still go and visit the other. (Who knows? That person may end up loving it and decide to stay.) If it’s been a truly good relationship, loneliness very rarely means an ending to it all. In fact, it can “make the heart grow fonder” as long as you stay truthful in your communications with one another.

If the distance between the two of you has become a major issue, then it may be time to talk about one of you relocating. But before starting this conversation makes sure that you have tried everything else to improve the relationship and that this kind of life altering commitment is what you truly want. Remember, it is a long distance relationship for a reason. Whether because of a job, family or a mixture of things - one of you will be giving up something that was important enough to warrant being apart in the first place.

Love

Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught within
your chest??
-it isn`t love, it`s like.

You can`t keep your eyes or hands off of them, am I right??
-it isn`t love, it`s lust.

Are you proud, and eager to show them off?
- it isn`t love, it`s pride.

Do you want them because you know they`re there??
-it isn`t love, it`s loneliness.

Are you there because it`s what everyone wants??
-it isn`t love, it`s loyalty.

Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand??
-it isn`t love, it`s low confidence.

Do you stay for their confessions of love, because you don`t want to hurt
them??
-it isn`t love, it`s pity.

Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat??
-it isn`t love, it`s infatuation.

Do you pardon their faults because you care about them??
-it isn`t love, it`s friendship.

Do you tell them every day that they are the only one you think of??
-it isn`t love, it`s a lie.

Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake??
-it isn`t love, it`s charity.

Does your heart ache and break when they`re sad??
-then it`s l o v e.

Do you cry for their pain, even when they`re strong??
-then it`s l o v e.

Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts??
-then it`s l o v e.

Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and
relation pulls you close and holds you there??
-then it`s l o v e.

Do you accept their faults because they`re a part of who they are??
-then it`s l o v e.

Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret??
-then it`s l o v e.

Would you give them your heart, your life, your death??
-then it`s l o v e.

Another World

Many years ago, i knew such a girl who played in the park whole day. there were many trees in the park, i knew a little of those. after spending the whole day in library when i came back, she was seen in the center of the trees. until many days we were not addressed to each other. i was stayed there in jurisdiction of London for some days.

I was changed the place in search of a cheap house.those were days of very poverty. i thought that girl was also so poor. she had worn a half stitch sweater and had worn a ear cap of red color. her hair were always out of her cap. she had very black and curly hairs. they spread around her innocent face. those were the last days of October. when the spring season was set in. therefore her nose and ears were became red. the starting days of winter were very hard more than real winter season. it is fact that i came to library to escape from cold. in those days my room was become frozen. before sleeping in night i worn my all the sweaters, socks and covered my blanket with my over coat and chaster. but the cold did not decrease.

In the morning, i became ready and went to library . i don’t know how many people came there and were stood out of the library in a row. more were old men. who were gotten their pension very rare. but they felt much cold. they were sat with open books and after a while, i saw all the people around me were sleeping. no one stopped them. after half hour a library servant came there and closed all the opened books. he stopped those people whose snoring was disturbing others. in a noon i was sitting in the library.i was seeing her from the window of the library.

She had put her bag on the bench and she was hidden behind the trees. sun was not shining that day. i was surprised, she is playing alone outside in much cold.i had eruption to know, which is the game that children play in loneliness.

She came in park in noon, put her bag on the the bench and hid herself behind the trees. i saw her again and again. At 5pm the hospital bell rung, as she listened the bell she came there and sat on the bench and put her bag in her lap. she was sitting silently, until a woman was seen to come there. i cold not saw the face of that woman ever. she was always dressed in white uniform of nurse. as she reached towards the bench,little girl ran towards her and stopped her there. they both turned towards the gate and i was seeing them until they disappeared from my eyes . i saw everything like the hero of Hickok. this would continue in the winter season if the season was not changed at once.

One night i felt much hot in my room. my body was perspired. i opened the window. there were no frost and no fog. sky was clear and the stars were shining. i felt i was not living in foreign country but i am at the roof of my house.

It was an opened day. sun was shining. i could not stay in library for much time.in the noon i came out of the library and reached at the restaurant, where i was taken lunch daily.it was a cheap Jew restaurant, i came out of the restaurant,i did not want to go back to library.

After a long period, i had gotten some letters and news papers from my home, i wanted to read those letter in the park, i became surprised to see the flowers. those were very small. perhaps Jesus Christ had said about those flower, “lilies of the field”.those flowers do not think about coming days. they were reminded the passed summer.

I began to walk among the grass and flowers.i felt very glad to walk on the grass. i became free from the worries of coming days and felt myself light. i was walking on the grass with bare feet. as i reached near that bench, i heard a shriek from my back. she was running rapidly and coming towards me . i turned and saw she was same girl.she had come out behind the trees.she stopped me and said, you are caught. she said and laughed. you can not go now. i did not understand, i was still stood there.

She said again, you are caught. you are standing on my earth. i looked around. there were flowers on the grass.there were empty benches and three fresh green trees were standing in the center of the park. i said, i did not know? i turned to go. no no , you can not go girl said. she was stood in front of me.her eyes were shining. they will not let you go. who will not let me go, i asked her. she appointed to wards the trees. they were looking like real soldiers. i was still standing for a while and we were looking each other silently.

Her eyes were still fixed at me. when she understood, i will not run she became soft. she asked to me,do you want to be free? how, i looked at her. you should give them food. they are hungry from many days. she was saying about trees. i said, i have no food.she said it not difficult to bring food. they eat flowers and leaves. so i collected some flowers and leaves. she said, now you can give them food. i asked her, will the let me go now? she smiled and her teeth were quite white and shining. then i spread all the leaves near the trees. i was free now i brought out the letters and newspaper and sat on the bench, her bag was there. her bag was full of books and half eaten apple was in its pocket.at once she was disappeared. i looked all around, her frock was seen in the bunches. she was sitting silently like a rabbit.

To catch many passengers like me.when the wind blew, leaves were danced and she started to run after them. i wan sat on the bench. she came there and sat on the bench. she started to eat apple.i was reading my letter. she asked to me , are those your? yes mine.and this, she asked about a ticket on which a picture of elephant was there.i asked her, did you go to Zoo ever? she replied, yes one time with my papa. he gave me coin and an elephant took it with his trunk.

I asked her, did you not afraid? no, she said and was eating apple.
hospital bell rang.she took her bag and stood near the trees. she was saying something to them. after that she came to me and handshake with me. her mother was come and she went with her. i also collected my letters and came in library.

I was in park, who is some one was calling me. i did not stop. whenever man called himself. but it was different voice.i turned and saw that girl was moving her hand. i thought, was i again catch?
her mother was also with her.they both were laughing.

She started to play. she felt there is some one and she was talking with them. she requested me to be the part of her game. i accepted her request. she was so innocent and charming. she talked with me and just listened her. in the evening she came there and took her to home. i was still seating there. i was thinking about her. why i like her so much? her innocent face attracted me much. her innocent conducts force me to play with her. she was just nine years old. but in her eyes i saw deep thoughts.

Now it became my daily routine to come there and played with her.i had no work in those days. daily i came in the park and met her. one day her mother invited me at her home. i accepted her invitation and reached at their home. little girl Greeta was surprised to see me there. her mother prepared many eating things for me. i was happy because the money of dinner time was saved. Greeta said to me, she wants to show her room to me. i went with her. Her room was so strange. all the walls were in green colors and painted with different pictures of different animals.i said, i liked your room so much.

She became happy and run out of the house. then i sat there and started to talk with her mother. i asked her about greeta’s father. she said,he had expired before three years. greeta did not accept his death and she is still waiting for him. she went to that garden in search of his father. because she went there daily with her dad. i tried to understand her but she is not ready to accept that.i think she is need a such friend who help her to understand the reality.

I thought i will help her. so i went to the park daily and played with her. soon she became much frank with me and i also felt happiness with her. i felt she had created her own world. whenever i came there, i forgot my all worries. her innocent talks and questions made me so glad.

After many days i went to the park. but Greeta was not there. i waited for her whole day but she did not come. in the evening i saw her mother was coming. i asked her about greeta. she was so sad and start crying. then she told, greeta had dead. because i had not come to meet her. first the grief of her father death made her a patient and now she was much attached with me.

But i did not meet her. she became ill and did not endure my absence. i felt very sad. i told her mother that i had got a very good job and i wanted to give greeta a surprise. she did not give me any answer and went away. it was very sad for me. i had lost a beautiful companion of my other world. because in her company i always found myself in the world of happiness and calm. i had lost her and also the world of happiness. i was sitting alone on the bench.i was remembering her talk and conducts which made me happy. my eyes were filled with tears. suddenly peon said, it is time dear. i was still there. then he said again it is closing time. then i stood up and came out of the park. after that day i did not go there. her remembrance is still alive in my heart.

Red Lipstick Kisses and A Black Eye

My first wife used to cover me with red lipstick kisses before we made love. I must admit, it really turned me on. I would watch her apply it while standing in front of a mirror. After finishing, she would turn to me and begin kissing me all over my face and neck.

One night we had a terrible argument after having too much to drink at a party. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but she had bruised my male ego. We had been at a party that was held both indoors and out. There was a badminton net in the backyard and we started playing. At first, we just volleyed back and forth but we moved on to playing a game. Some women started watching us play and helped keep score. The first game was close but she pulled ahead towards the end and won 15 – 12. She received a loud applause from the women spectators. During the second game, the women really started getting into the game and called the game a battle of sexes. When my wife won decisively (15 - 7), they cheered all the louder. I started to walk off the playing field thinking that we had played enough for the day.
That was when my wife yelled out, "What's the matter? Afraid to get beaten by a woman in front of everyone?"
Hence, I agreed to play another game and got soundly trounced. I think the score was around 15 - 3. We stayed for about two more hours and consumed more margaritas than we should have.

While we were driving home, she kept talking about how much fun it had been. My replies were short and with a bit of an edge. After a while, she became angry about my attitude and things started to escalate. When we got home, it got much worse. At some point, I said something really ugly and she whirled around and socked me right in the eye, knocking me flat on the floor. I'm not sure if I was knocked unconscious or not but the next thing I knew, I was hit by my pillow which she had thrown. She stormed off upstairs and locked herself in our bedroom door while I staggered over to a sofa and fell asleep.

I really should have iced my injured eye before falling asleep because in the morning, it was almost swollen shut. My eye was all bloodshot and there was dark black and blue bruising around. I was so mad at my wife. How was I going to explain this bruised and swollen eye to everyone in the coming week? I think my wife was a little shocked when she saw what she had done. However, she didn't say anything and we stayed clear of each other for most of the day.

In the evening, I was watching football on the television when my wife came into the room dressed rather provocatively with her red lipstick on. She sat down next to me. I tried to ignore her and concentrate on the game but she started kissing my face. I was trying to hold on to my anger but she was wearing me down.

After a couple of minutes, I took a glance at our reflections in a mirror on the wall. She looked at the mirror at the same time and our eyes met. I probably had a dozen large lip prints all over my checks, forehead, neck and everywhere else except near the bruised eye. (It was real sore.) Both of us broke out laughing. Then we started laughing about the whole situation; the badminton game, the argument and the black eye. She got her camera and took a timed picture of us embracing - me with my black eye covered with lipstick kisses. She had it framed and used to show it to her friends and tell them about the story behind it. The funny thing is neither of us could remember what I said before she knocked my lights out. While telling the story, she used to say, "We can't remember what he said, but whatever it was, he knows better than to say it again".

We didn't over-indulge ourselves with alcohol very much after that. I learned not to say hurtful or damaging remarks when we argued. I also worked at overcoming my fragile male ego. The fact was she was a better athlete than I was and regularly beat me in tennis, badminton, volleyball, ping pong and whatever sports that you can name. She even beat me at arm wrestling a few times. I didn't mind so much as long as it was just between us. She came to realize that she had a hot temper and worked to mellow it. I loved that woman.

I lost her to breast cancer after thirteen years of marriage. I sure do miss her.

By Chris

A Gift of Love

The passengers on the bus watched sympathetically as the attractive young woman with the white cane made her way carefully up the steps. She paid the driver and, using her hands to feel the location of the seats, walked down the aisle and found the seat he'd told her was empty. Then she settled in, placed her briefcase on her lap and rested her cane against her leg.

It had been a year since Susan, 34, became blind. Due to a medical misdiagnosis she had been rendered sightless, and she was suddenly thrown into a world of darkness, anger, frustration and self-pity. And all she had to cling to was her husband, Mark.

Mark was an Air Force officer and he loved Susan with all his heart. When she first lost her sight, he watched her sink into despair and was determined to help his wife gain the strength and confidence she needed to become independent again.

Finally, Susan felt ready to return to her job, but how would she get there? She used to take the bus, but was now too frightened to get around the city by herself. Mark volunteered to drive her to work each day, even though they worked at opposite ends of the city. At first, this comforted Susan, and fulfilled Mark's need to protect his sightless wife who was so insecure about performing the slightest task.

Soon, however, Mark realized the arrangement wasn't working. Susan is going to have to start taking the bus again, he admitted to himself. But she was still so fragile, so angry - how would she react? Just as he predicted, Susan was horrified at the idea of taking the bus again.

"I'm blind!", she responded bitterly. "How am I supposed to know where I am going? I feel like you're abandoning me."

Mark's heart broke to hear these words, but he knew what had to be done. He promised Susan that each morning and evening he would ride the bus with her, for as long as it took, until she got the hang of it. And that is exactly what happened. For two solid weeks, Mark, military uniform and all, accompanied Susan to and from work each day.

He taught her how to rely on her other senses, specifically her hearing, to determine where she was and how to adapt to her new environment. He helped her befriend the bus drivers who could watch out for her, and save her a seat.

Finally, Susan decided that she was ready to try the trip on her own. Monday morning arrived, and before she left, she threw her arms around Mark, her temporary bus-riding companion, her husband, and her best friend. Her eyes filled with tears of gratitude for his loyalty, his patience, And his love. She said good-bye, and for the first time, they went their separate ways. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday... Each day on her own went perfectly, and Susan had never felt better. She was doing it! She was going to work all by herself.

On Friday morning, Susan took the bus to work as usual. As she was paying the fare to exit the bus, the driver said, "Boy, I sure do envy you." Susan wasn't sure if the driver was speaking to her or not. After all, who on earth would ever envy a blind woman who had struggled just to find the courage to live for the past year? Curious, she asked the driver, "Why do you say that you envy me?"

The driver responded, "It must feel good to be taken care of and protected like you are." Susan had no idea what the driver was talking about, and again asked, "What do you mean?"

The driver answered, "You know, every morning for the past week, a fine-looking gentleman in a military uniform has been standing across the corner watching you as you get off the bus. He makes sure you cross the street safely and he watches until you enter your office building.

Then he blows you a kiss, gives you a little salute and walks away. You are one lucky lady." Tears of happiness poured down Susan's cheeks. For although she couldn't physically see him, she had always felt Mark's presence. She was lucky, so lucky, for he had given her a gift more powerful than sight, a gift she didn't need to see to believe - the gift of love that can bring light where there is darkness.

A Beautiful Heart

The more hurt and pain you have gone thru in life, the stronger and more
beautiful your heart will be.....

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley.

A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it. Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart.

Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said, "Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine." The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces missing.

The people stared. How can he say his heart is more beautiful?? they thought. The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laughed. "You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears."

"Yes," said the old man, "Yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared. Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges - giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?"

The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands.

The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges.

The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his.

They embraced and walked away side by side.

Wife

Sameera was simple and shy girl. She was engaged with his cousin. His name was Zain. He was in abroad to get education. Sameera loved his fiance so much. She was only daughter of her parents.  She was not well educated but well mannered. She was courteous to her elders. Everyone in her family loves her so much.

Zain was getting education in a university.He had a broad mind. He had many friends. Girls were also his friends. Fabria was his best friend. Zain liked her and her friendship. Mostly they were found together. One day, Fabria expressed her love feeling to Zain. He was glad to know that. He also loved her but he could not expressed his love.

Now he had completed his studies. But he did not want to go back to his country. He decided to do a job there. He told his parents, he wanted to settle there. They were agreed with him. He had a little greed in his mind. To get the nationality of that country, he decided to get married with Fabria.

When Fabria came to know that, she was so much excited. Soon they got married. Zain did not tell her about his fiance. He had decided, he will never go back to his country.

He was doing a job and was living happy with his wife. He just call at his home and satisfied her that he will come back soon and get married with Sameera. He was deceiving his family.

One day Zain received a call and he became so upset. His brother told him that his father had a heart attack and his condition is very serious. His brother called him back to meet his father.

He decided to go his country for a few days. When he asked Fabria, she said, she will also go with him. He was confused, but he evaded her. Next time i will bring you to my country. She agreed and permitted him to go.

When he reached to his house. His father was better now. But when he saw his son, his eyes filled with tears. His whole family was so much happy at his arrival.

Sameera was so glad when she came to know that Zain has came. She was feeling shy with his name. She was uneasy to see him. In the evening he came to her house to see his uncle and aunt. She was hidden in her room. She thought, he will asked and want to see her. But after an hour he went on. She was so upset, he had not asked about her. She began to cry. Then she satisfied herself, he will give a surprise to her. But that was just her thought.

His departure date was came close. He told to his father, he is going back after two days. His father asked him to stay for a few days more. His father forced him to get married with Sameera. He said, he wants to see the marriage of his son. He was in confusion, how he tell his father that he had got married. He tried to tell his father, but when he thought about his condition, he became silent.

So the marriage ceremony was started. Sameera was so much excited, she is going married with her love. For whom she dreamed always. Zain was not so happy, his mother feel his situation. She asked him, have you any problem my son, you are looking upset. He replied, no i am just thinking about father condition. Her mother satisfied him. Don’t worry about your father, he is much better now. He smiled and hugged his mother.

Now he was married with Sameera. He promised with her, i will bring you soon with me. Now you have to live there. Sameera agreed with him. Now the day of his departure was came.There was dullness and sadness on Sameera face. His whole family was depressed.

He has gone but Sameera lost in his thoughts all the time. She was feeling alone without him. She felt incomplete herself. One month passed but Zain did not contact to his family. All the people at home were so upset. Sameera was so sad because since last month Zain did not contact her also.

Zain was happy with his wife in abroad. He did not tell her about his second marriage.

His father decided to send Sameera abroad to Zain. She went with his brother in law. As they reached at Zain’s house. They saw an English girl there in his house. Sameera was confused to see her. Zain was now in  raisin. He thought, how he tell the true to all. Before it he say something. Fabria asked, who are they? Zain replied, he is my brother and she is my cousin, she came there in search of his husband. When Sameera listened that, she was in shock. His brother was also wondered at his reply.

Fabria introduced herself to them, i am his wife. Sameera’s eyes filled with tears and her heart was broke. She said to her brother in law, i can not stay there for a moment. We go back to our country. They came out of his house. Fabria and Zain also came out. Zain tried to stop them but they did not stop.

Sameera was weeping, her brother in law said, i am sorry my brother deceived you. She said, no brother there is not your fault. It is my bad luck. As they reached at airport, Zain came there he apologized to Sameera, he was crying. His brother asked him, why are your crying go to your gori mame, for whom you deceived Sameera. Zain said, i had left her. He said, i will go with you.

When they went away of their home. Fabria asked Zain, tell me the true, why was your cousin weeping. Zain told her the reality and she became furious and she decide to get divorce. Zain also decided to leave her.

He felt that Sameera loves him more than Fabria. Sameera came to abroad to get his love  and Fabria always forced him to stay with her and always demanded to leave his parents.

So, he decided to leave Fabria and live with his family in his own country. He will happy with his Desi wife.