He Never Calls

Q:

How come he doesn't like calling or talking on the phone? He says he likes me and that he doesn't want to break up, but the only time we really talk is when we are face-to-face. I think he is pulling away from me. Am I wrong? What should I do? 

A:

Some guys are just like that. You may also find that some guys will be really phone happy at first and then as they settle into a relationship they will stop calling. It really doesn't mean that they have lost interest, it is (to risk a cliché) a "guy thing."

Mind you, if you feel there is something deeper going on why not ask him? I think that the honest approach is the best one. Just say, "I was wondering , why don't you ever talk to me on the phone?". Could be that he doesn't get much privacy in making his calls or that his parents have a strict limit on the amount of time he can spend on the phone.

If he is trying to send out break-up signals, the only way you will know for sure is to ask. I know it sucks, but if he has resorted to avoidance in an effort to show you he wants out, he isn't likely to be the first one to bring up the subject of ending the relationship.

If everything seems cool when you are face to face I wouldn't worry too much. I think you should just ask him, "What is up with the phone phobia?"

My best friend stole my girl!

A Question Asked By A Boy?

Q: My so-called best friend just started dating my ex. I broke up with her a few months ago but my buddy knows that I still have some feelings for her and that I was thinking of getting back with her. Before I could he snuck in and started dating her. Would I be wrong to try to get her back even though they are a couple now?
 
Yes, you would be wrong. It sucks when a friend moves in on an ex, especially when there are unresolved feelings, but it is not wrong. She was single because you dumped her. He was single too. If she likes him and he likes her it is silly for you to expect them to stay apart because you loved and left her. It smarts for sure, but other than being a bit uncool your bud has done nothing outrageous here and you have no good reason to try to steal her from him.

Did he know that you wanted her back or did he just think that you had some left over feelings for her? If he didn't know you actually planned on asking her to give you a second chance your going after her now would make you the jerk. You know that they are together where he only knew you had unresolved feelings for her that you may or may not want to act on, can you see the difference? In one case a person (you) is trying to break up a bonafide couple in the other case a person (your friend) is simply making a move while the other person (you) sits and mulls things over.

There is something else you need to consider, something you haven't mentioned, and that is how she feels. You may have had some feelings left for her but did she have any for you? Was she over you? Would she have even taken you back if you asked? Maybe your buddy knew that she didn't want to be with you before he made his move. Have you asked him? It is possible that he would have stayed out of the picture if he thought she would go back to you. You need to ask him about this. Chances are good that since they are a couple now they had a few pre-coupling heart-to-hearts. Maybe he decided to go for her after he learned that you no longer stood a chance. If this is the case he may have saved you some real heart break.

In your shoes I would talk to my friend and find out exactly what went down when he hooked up with my ex. I would ask him if he realized how I felt and if it factored in at all in his decision to start dating my ex. If he really is your best friend chances are good that he didn't make this decision lightly and that his feelings for this girl (and her feelings for him) run pretty deep. Get to the bottom of how it all started before doing anything rash. If he played you, deal with it but don't drag her in to your quest for retribution. Instead wait until she is free and clear again and then make your move. You'll feel better about yourself if you don't go after YOUR best friends girl, even if she used to be yours.

I want to cheat but I still love my boyfriend!

A Question Asked By A Girl?

Q: Lately I have been really tempted to cheat on my boyfriend of three years. It is not that I don't love him, I'm crazy in love with him, but I just feel really attracted to other guys lately and wonder what it would be like to be with somebody else. Is it OK if I cheat on my boyfriend just to get this out of my system?
 
NO!!!! It is not OK for you to hurt another person in order to satisfy your own needs. To over-use a cliche here, you want to have your cake and eat it too. You want the safety and security of a longterm relationship with the excitement and uncertainty of a new love. Bottom line, you can't have it. Either you end your long term relationship and live the single life until you meet somebody new or you stay with your boyfriend of three years and deal with your cheating heart in your mind. Under no circumstances is it OK for you to test the single waters by cheating on somebody who has loved and trusted you for three years. This is not an option.

When people get the urge to cheat it is usually a signal that all is not right in their current relationship. This is not to say that you do not love your boyfriend. After three years you probably do love him very much, but clearly something is missing for you. Your choices are really cut and dry: figure out what is missing and talk to your boyfriend about it or end the relationship and move on. In talking to him about your feelings expect him to feel a little hurt, he may even decide that he doesn't want to stick around while you sort it all out, but that is the chance you take when you express unhappiness in a relationship to the other party. It is much more likely that he will want to help you through your uncertainty and keep your relationship together, he has invested three years of his life in you and your love.

Can your cheating heart be tamed? Yes, it can but it will take work. You need to identify what it is that is missingin your relationship, decide if you can fix it or move past it, and then decide if you want to put the work in to getting things back on track. These are not easy things to address but it is the only right way to deal with your urge to cheat. f you are not committed to getting past this down point in your relationship you should end it and move on. This is harder than it sounds but that doesn't mean you should disregard it. In reality, very few teen relationships survive in to adulthood and those that do survive have done so because both people have been willing to work through the hard times. All relationships have ups and downs, all relationships face temptations and doubts, the relationships that are meant to be survive these things and those that are not do not.

Don't feel bad if you decide you want to move on, this is not a bad or wrong decision. Breaking up a long term love is painful for both parties but often it is for the best. Cheating on your long term boyfriend to 'test' yourself may seem like a safe option but it will make you feel worse in the long run and will hurt him more if he ever found out. Resist the urge to cheat and decide what to do with your relationship, that is the real issue here. Your desire to cheat is just a symptom of your dissatisfaction in your current relationship. Deal with that and forget about cheating.

Love or Friendship: How do you choose?

 
 Question Asked By A Girl


I’m dating a guy who is not my normal type. None of my friends can stand him. They all think he is a loser because he dresses differently. His family isn’t rich and can’t afford to get him trendy clothes but I don’t care about that. He’s a great guy and he’s good to me. Why can’t my friends see how good he is for me and be happy for us? Why are they making it so hard? 

 
This is such a common problem especially among teens. The social structure of high school can be unforgiving and patently unfair. All too often the things that make some people “popular” and other people “unpopular” have nothing to do with the substance of the people and everything to do with superficial things like clothing, excellence in sports, or good looks. No matter how often adults tell teens that this kind of thinking is wrong it never changes. It is a combination of immaturity, the closed environment of high school and peer pressure that make this social divide so pronounced among teenagers. But love is often blind to things like this and that is a good thing.

First let me congratulate you for following your heart on this one, you are 100% in the right. If a guy makes you happy and treats you well that is way more important than what he wears or whom he hangs out with. If he is good to you and good for you this is all that matters. But you need to face your friends and their irrational disapproval and that can be a difficult thing to do. Peer pressure is a very influential force, especially for teenagers, and far too many relationships are crushed by the weight of it. Here are some tips to help you stand up to your friends in the name of love:

• Make these your words to live by; the clothes don’t make the man.
• Stand up for your guy whenever your friends cut him down and always remind them that he is good to you. If they are real friends eventually this will sink in and they will support you.
• Insist that your friends include your guy whenever possible and ask them to try to really get to know him for your sake. Again, true friends might protest but in the end they want you to be happy and will at least give him a chance.
• Never sit by silently while your friends criticize your guy. Tell them that you don’t appreciate them being so superficial and then tell them why your guy is so great. Do this every time they put him down. Eventually they’ll get it.
• If your friends, or your guy, ever put you in the position of having to choose between them just refuse to do it. Tell them that they are both very important parts of your life and that you wish they could get along but if they can’t you’ll just have to make time to see them at different times. Then stick to the plan. Never give in to the pressure.

Love can’t conquer all but peer pressure should never be allowed to control you. If your guy is a good guy your friends will come to see it in time. You just need to keep singing his praises and bring him around them as much as possible. If they see how good he is to you first hand eventually they’ll come around.

Why Do Guys Lie?

A Question By A Girl.

My boyfriend is always telling me silly little lies. He lies about where he was when out with friends, he lies about where he’ll be going, he lies about who he was with, he even lies about when he has to work. When I catch him in the lies he laughs it off as if it was no big deal or puts the blame on me saying, “I didn’t want you to be upset.” What gives? Why can’t he just tell me the truth? If he lies about such trivial things how can I trust him to tell me the truth about the really important stuff?

 
Hmmm… it’s an age-old dilemma that has plagued female-kind since the dawn of dating; why do guys lie? I wish I had a fast and simple answer for you, but I don’t. Just like girls, when guys lie it is for a variety of reasons, almost all of which have to do with HIM and not the person he is lying to (a.k.a. YOU).

When a guys says, “I didn’t want to upset/hurt/disappoint you” what he is really saying is “I didn’t want to deal with your justifiable anger towards me when you learned exactly how I upset/hurt/disappointed you”, can you see the difference? The difference is in the root of the lie and in this case that root is definitely not that he didn’t want to see you upset. If it were really that simple, if it were truly just a matter of not wanting to hurt you, he wouldn’t have done whatever it is he did in the first place. No, he knows he messed up and doesn’t want to face the music and that is why he lied. It’s as simple as that!

Now let’s look closer at your specific dilemma. You say he lies about “trivial things” and that this worries you because it makes you doubt that you can trust him with the more important issues. Good for you for seeing this irrefutable truth without my having to point it out. If he lies about something small then chances are very, very good that he will lie about something important. Bravo to you for seeing this on your own. As to these “trivial things” he lies about you need to ask yourself if they are really just trivial? When he tells you he is at work only to be out with the boys you may honestly think it is a small detail but you should be asking why he wouldn’t just tell you, “I want to be with my boys tonight.” I’m willing to bet that the reason he chooses to lie stems from past experience. Possibly you have reacted badly to his being honest about this in the past and have left him feeling that it is easier to lie (now it’s your turn to look honestly at your past behavior to see if this applies). While this does put some of the blame at your feet (i.e. do you have a history of over-reacting to “trivial things?”) in all honesty your negative/angry/hysterical reaction should not cause him to lie. A truly stand up guy would tell the truth and deal with your reactions, even daring to point out where YOU are wrong if necessary.

If you’re sure you’re a laid-back gal with no hang-ups about nights out with the boys or coffee with an ex than the problem may be rooted in his experiences with other girls. If this is the case talk it out with him. Tell him that you know he dealt with over-reactive girls in the past and that you’re not like that. Tell him your prefer an unsettling truth to a lie any day and that if your reaction is a negative one you vow to handle it with maturity by talking about your feelings rather than screaming and freaking out on him. If his lies are really a matter of negative past experiences with other girls than this sort of talk might help. However there is one big reason for his lies that can’t be fixed by your honesty and reassurances. The most heinous, and sadly very likely, reasons for his lying is that he is really and truly doing something wrong and doesn’t want to own up to it. He wants to have his cake and eat it to and that is just wrong. If his lies are born out of a real need for deception you need to kick him to the curb now! A guy who lies because he’s been burned in the past is a very different sort of beast than the guy who lies in order to burn you. Once you know which kind of lying-guy you’re dealing with you’ll be better able to figure out what to do.

Can You Ever Trust a Cheater?

Infidelity is one of the most devastating things that can happen in a relationship. When one partner cheats on another it leaves lifelong scars. Sometimes those scars may not be evident until later in life but nobody escapes infidelity unscathed.

Cheating Can Happen to Anyone

Being young doesn’t make it easier to deal with cheating. In fact, the innocence of youth and first love can make the wounds of infidelity cut even deeper. Do people cheat because of something wrong in the relationship or is it something deep inside the cheater’s personality that leads them to stray? If a cheater cheats on one partner, will they also cheat on the next? Can you ever really trust a cheater? Should you even try? When it comes to cheating there are no easy answers.

Being Cheated On Hurts

Being cheated on by a person you love and trust is incredibly hurtful. When you are cheated on it impacts the core of how you interact with people. Infidelity makes raw nerves of things like trust, self respect, self worth and ego identity. People who have been cheated on often have difficulty trusting again. They either avoid relationships altogether or become detached serial-daters. People who have been cheated on are afraid of being hurt again.
In a strange twist many people who have been cheated on cling to the person who has betrayed them. It is a devil-you-know mentality. People who have been cheated on feel that they could never trust a new person so they are better off staying with somebody they know and hoping that person will change. The change they hope for rarely comes.

What Makes a Cheater?

People who cheat fall in to many different categories. Some simply don’t care about their partners, some lack empathy in general, others are narcissistic or selfish by nature, and some are drama seekers. However, all cheaters are driven by one common urge, the urge toward self-satisfaction above all else. Cheaters are motivated by their own needs. They ignore right and wrong in order to satisfy those needs. They act selfishly and think only of what they want with little concern for those they hurt.
Cheaters may genuinely care for the person they cheat on but they will always put their own needs and desires ahead of those of their partners. Cheaters are selfish. They don’t want to end one relationship in order to pursue another. They want it all and don’t care about the cost.

Why Do People Cheat?

If you ask a cheater why they cheated they will most likely try to blame their infidelity on the relationship, the circumstances surrounding the affair, the person they cheated with or even the person they cheated on. They rarely blame themselves. Most cheaters know that what they did was wrong and feel the need to justify their bad behavior. They will have a variety of excuses ranging from impairment to something lacking in their partner, but in the end they cheated because they wanted to. Try as they might to give a good reason for their behavior they rarely have one.
People who cheat do so because of something inside of them. Nothing another person does can make a cheater cheat. No matter how unhappy a relationship may be a cheater makes a choice to deal with that unhappiness by cheating. They have nobody to blame but themselves.
If a cheater is unhappy in a relationship they don’t have to cheat, they can leave. They choose to betray the trust of another person by cheating rather than ending the relationship. There is never a good reason to cheat, there are only good reasons to break off a relationship. Cheating is not only selfish it is cruel.

Can Cheaters Change?

People can always change. Cheaters are no different. Whether or not a cheater can change is completely up to the individual. The reasons the cheater gives for their past infidelity can help determine if they really want to change or if they might do it again. Some people cope with down times in their relationships by seeking outside excitement. If cheating is a coping mechanism it will require therapy to address and overcome. If this type of cheater doesn’t get help chances are good they will do it again. It is just the way they cope with bad times in a relationship.
Some cheaters are just immature and grow out of the cheating urge. This is common in teens and young adults because peer pressure can make them get in to a relationship before they are really ready. These types of cheaters are less likely to do it again.
Other cheaters cheat because they can. If they have repeatedly cheated and been forgiven chances are good that the cheating won’t stop. It has become a part of the relationship dynamic. The only way to beat this cycle is with individual and couples therapy.

Moving on From Cheating

If somebody cheats on one partner it doesn’t necessarily mean that they will cheat on the next but they must want to change. If they don't address the reasons why they cheated in the past there is a good chance it will happen again in a new relationship. No matter what reasons a cheater gives a new partner for their past infidelity the reality is that this is a person who is comfortable betraying the trust of an intimate partner. Don’t let lust lead you to overlook this character flaw.
A cheater who wants to change must do some real soul searching and take responsibility for the harm they have done. They must stop trying to rationalize their behavior and admit that it was wrong. If they can't do this there is a good chance they will cheat again.

Surviving a Breakup: 7 Tips

Few things hurt more than being dumped. In fact, most people would rather be body slammed by a sumo wrestler than endure the pain and loneliness of heartbreak.

Though breaking up is depressing, your life's far from over. It's important to see the end of a relationship as the beginning of a new chapter in your life. Here are a few tips on how to let go of your ex and move on with your life.

1. Be Nice To Yourself

Breakups happen to the best of us. Actually, they're a normal part of being a teenager. It's important to cut yourself some slack when you're feeling vulnerable and rejected. Let yourself mourn the loss, and remember that you don't have to be perfect all of the time—or any of the time. Nobody is!

2. Accept Your Single Status

Getting over your ex is virtually impossible if you're fantasizing about getting back together. It's important to learn how to be happy as a single person before you start to date again.

Being single gives you the freedom to do what you want, when you want. Watch a cheesy movie you would never admit to liking. Switch off your cell phone at the time your ex used to call. Perform a cleansing ritual, such as throwing away her yearbook photo or deleting his mushy e-mails. You'll be amazed how much better you'll feel. 

3. Recognize and Release Your Feelings

Breakups can cause a range of unpleasant feelings, from deep sadness to intense anger. It's important to identify what you're feeling, acknowledge that it hurts, then let it go.

If you're struggling with the "letting go" part, try writing what you feel on a piece of paper, then ripping it up. When you're feeling really awful, taking a nap or going for a walk can help ease the pain and break the cycle of negative thoughts.

In general, try to get your demons out in a constructive way, such as sports, music, art or journaling. It's also OK to cry, scream and complain about how bad you feel. Find a secluded place to get out the nastiest feelings, then seek out friends and family to lend a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. 

4. Remember Your Ex's Flaws

It's easy to get teary-eyed thinking about his adorable brown eyes or her cute way of answering the phone. But what about your ex's not-so-great qualities? Remind yourself just how annoying, boring or insensitive your ex could be, and you'll be on your way to recovery.

5. Resist the Urge To Contact Him or Her

One of the worst parts of a breakup is the loneliness. Use all the willpower you've got to resist calling your ex when you're feeling lonely and sad.

Though your ex may have been a source of comfort in the past, calling him or her for an ego boost will only make it harder for you move on. Look for new sources of support among friends, family members, counselors and online support groups. 

6. Get a New Hobby

Without a boyfriend or girlfriend to entertain, you have a lot of freedom to try new things. Indulge yourself in some activities that didn't interest your ex, whether it's hockey, ballet or bird watching. Take a photography class, start writing poetry or join a club that interests you. You'll meet new people and feel good about yourself, which will attract both friends and admirers. 

7. Don't Obsess About What Went Wrong

Many breakups don't have a specific cause. They tend to happen when two people have been growing apart for a while. This isn't to say you shouldn't reflect on what you could have done differently in the relationship, but it's not helpful to dwell on the whys and wherefores.

Instead of focusing on the past, live in the moment and begin to dream about the future. You'll find a boyfriend or girlfriend who's at least as great as the last one—and perhaps a better match. Who knows? That special someone could be right around the corner.

How To Be Friends with an Ex

Things weren't right with your girlfriend or boyfriend, so you broke up. But you still care about them and want to be friends. Sometimes this is possible. Here are some tips on how to be friends with your ex.

 

Difficulty: Hard

 

Time Required: A lot of time and patience

 

Here's How:

1. Make sure you're over them. Even if you're going to be the best of friends, you both still need some time to collect yourself after breaking up.
2. Make sure your intentions are good. Being "friends" with an ex just to torment them or to prevent them from dating other people doesn't help anyone in the long run. In fact, it makes you look really bad.
3. Check in on them. Send a friendly text message or call them on their birthday. Ask them how things are going. Find out what's new in their life and how they've changed since you dated. Be supportive of their individuality.
4. Let them know that you feel positive about them as a person and that you'd like to be friends with them -- real friends. If you were there for them as a girlfriend or boyfriend, you can be there for them as a friend, too.
5. Tell them that you think they're great and that, for the most part, you wouldn't change a thing about them. (Well, unless they're doing something really mean or stupid.) An ego boost can help mend some of the leftover wounds from the breakup.
6. Avoid sexual and romantic topics -- and the temptation to flirt -- especially when you're starting the friendship. This can be tricky if you have been involved with someone romantically, but you can do it if you stay focused. You don't want to lead the other person on, and you certainly don't want them to lead you on either.
7. At first, keep your conversations and meetings short and, if possible, fun. Remind them just how great you are to hang out with. However, set limits for how often you'll talk to them and hang out with them.
8. Keep working toward your own goals. Don't fall back into negative old patterns from the relationship. Develop your own interests and encourage your ex to do the same.
9. If your ex doesn't seem interested in a friendship, you need to respect their wishes. It may be a possibility in the future, but for now, focus on your other friends.
10. Also, if your ex is not treating you with the same respect you expect of any other friend, it's not a good time to pursue a friendship with them.

Tips:

1. Tell a good friend about your efforts to be friends with your ex and ask them to look out for you. (Hopefully you won't need to ask!)
2. Be friendly, kind and consistent with your ex. Remind them often that you're glad they're a part of your life.
3. Don't blow them off to hang out with your new crush. In general, be aware that they might still be feeling a bit sensitive about some aspect of the breakup and feel weird about you seeing other people.
4. It's quite possible that your ex may not be up for a friendship. Be forgiving and move on if this is the case.

How To Reject Someone Nicely

Unrequited love can be just as bad for the person doing the rejecting. Here is how to say 'no thanks' and still feel good about yourself.

 

Difficulty: Average

 

Time Required: 5 - 15 minutes

 

Here's How:

1. Don't lead the person to believe you may be interested.
2. Be polite and smile.
3. Get to the point quickly.
4. Tell them you appreciate their interest in you but your feelings toward them aren't the same.
5. Be nice; don't say you'd rather be friends if you have no intention of staying friendly.
6. Make it as painless as possible by being direct and NOT saying something like, 'if things were different.'
7. Don't over explain or make excuses -- you are not interested, plain and simple.

Tips:

1. You may think that being blunt seems mean but, in fact, it is much more mean to let somebody who doesn't have a chance with you think that they might.
2. Maintain eye contact, keep a calm and steady tone, smile and be polite.
3. Remember that the person being rejected may get angry and call you names -- don't take it personally, it is anger talking.
4. Remember that the person being rejected may act desperate to get you to change your mind -- don't give in to the antics.

How Do I Make Him Love Me?

Q:

I have a big crush on this guy in a grade higher than me. We don't have any classes together but we are both in band and on the school paper. I know I love him because I just can't get him off of my mind. At a party I confessed my true feelings and he told me he liked me too - as a friend. He said he just wanted us to be friends right now. I really, really want to be with him, how do I make him love me?

A:

You are suffering from a killer one-sided crush, also known as "unrequited love", and there really isn't much you can do to change it into a relationship. I'll be blunt. You can not make somebody love you. You can't even make them like you. There are no magic spells or secret tricks that will make a person suddenly feel for you the way you feel for them. Love doesn't work like that (and thank the sweet stars above that it doesn't!). Love, when it is real and returned, is one of the most amazing feelings you will ever experience. Although it is hard to accept that this person doesn't return your feelings, it may help you to know that the pain you now feel will be erased from your heart when you find someone who does love you back.

Now back to the issue at hand, coping with your current crush. Since he has made his feelings for you clear, namely that he wants to be friends, you really only have one choice. You have to honor his feelings and wishes. You do however have options as to exactly how you handle the "friendship situation". You can swallow your feelings, move on and work on having "just a friendship" with this guy or, you can harbour your feelings and hope that the future will see your friendship turn romantic. Either way, the one thing you should do is actively take him up on his offer of friendship in spite of your deeper feelings.

Take heart, all is not lost! Friendship is always a good place to start. Right now he only knows a "one dimensional" you, as your friendship progresses he will come to see your many sides. With time, his feelings may even deepen into romatic interest. You say that the two of you are not in any classes together so it is entirely possible that his "Let's be friends!" comment is not a mere brush off, but a bonafide offer. He may want to start as friends because he doesn't know you well enough to have any deeper feelings (a sign that he is a good guy BTW), or he may be using the "friendship line" as a brush off (a sign that he is NOT a good guy BTW). You can't be certain which of these is true until you make a go of the friendship. Work from the premise that he really wants a friendship with you until he indicates otherwise.

By becoming his friend you get the opportunity let him see a new side of you, and you get to see a new side of him. In getting closer you may even fall into a relationship. Of course, the opposite is also true. As you get to know him better your crush, which is built on a fantasy not a reality, may disappear and you may lose interest in him. There are no guarantees that your feelings will stay the same through your burgeoning friendship. There are also no guarantees that his current feelings will change into love. After you become friends you may end up exactly where you are right now, in a one-sided love affair. But at this point in time, what have you got to lose? At the very least you gain a closer acquaintance and at the most you'll get your man!